7 Ways to Be An Ally in a Mental Health Conversation
Let’s #endthestigma together.
We hold implicit biases about mental health. Even in the progressive age of self-help gurus, meditation apps, and “Namaste” t-shirts, 9 of 10 people with mental health issues say that stigma and discrimination have negatively affected them. Whether socially, culturally, or personally, we’ve been taught that mental health issues represent weakness.
That’s wrong.
This conditioning to feel shame and fear, needs to be unraveled. Because on the other side of our bias, we can build healthier narratives about ourselves, better relationships with others, and a profound sense of unity through our shared experiences.
So: let’s show up differently from before. Let’s be okay with feeling uncomfortable, imperfect, and uncertain. Let’s normalize discussions about feeling uncomfortable, imperfect, and uncertain.
Let’s do it for ourselves, as well as the people we love, the people we work with, and even the people we don’t know that well. Because there will come a day when they need our support, and we’ll need theirs too. And the skills to address those moments, rather than deny or suppress them, will be the key to our resilience.
With that in mind, here are 7 simple steps to be an ally in a mental health conversation, based on a graphic released by the National Behavioral Health Council.
(*The tips below are not a substitute for mental healthcare from a licensed provider. They are not quick fixes for more complex mental health issues. It could actually cause more harm trying to“fix” someone’s mental health issues that are beyond your scope using just the tips below, so make sure you’re educated on the resources you can guide people to.
If someone shares sensitive material regarding their workplace experience with you, please reach out to your company’s HR team for help. If someone shares suicidal thoughts they’ve been having, contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline immediately. For those struggling with substance abuse or serious mental health disorders, visit the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration’s site for a 24/7 hotline and treatment referrals.*)
Part I: Entering a Mental Health Conversation
1. Create calmness.
When someone comes to you in a state of distress, they’re anxious. Start by regulating your own breathing, slowing yourself down. This will disrupt the other person’s frenzy, or at least prevent it from increasing. It will also preserve your energy throughout the conversation.
“Use a calm, even tone” to talk, says marriage and family therapist Whitney Goodman. Speak quietly and slowly. Encourage the other person to do some quick breathing with you, saying something like, “Let’s take a deep breath”. Use a popular somatic grounding technique: Name 5 blue things you can see.
Maintain calmness if the other person snaps at you out of anger, frustration, or adrenaline. Reroute them by saying, “Maybe I’m not being there for you in the right way. How do you want me to listen or respond right now? I just want to support you.”
2. Be honest.
If someone is trusting you with their vulnerability, it’s important to fully focus on them. Flaking last minute, checking technology, or listening out of obligation can do more harm than good.
If it’s not a good time, acknowledge the other person by saying, “I really want to be there for you, but xyz is distracting me today / preventing me from being fully present / burning me out. Can we talk at (later time offered)?”
Once you’re in the moment, create space and safety for the other person. Statements like, “Thank you for trusting me with this” or “You have my full attention” are helpful here.
As the other person speaks, ask them open questions to help them fully name their challenges and emotions. Notice if they downplay or self-criticize. Shame is reflected in disclaimers like “I’m sad about xyz, but I know I have no right to be” or “I know I should just be grateful”, or “I get so annoyed with myself for feeling xyz”.
Break this pattern with open questions (“Why do you feel like you can only feel one thing or another?”), empathetic statements (“It’s okay to feel grateful AND depressed”), and/or stories. Statements like “I’ve been struggling with this myself”, or “I’ve had multiple people tell me they’re struggling with this lately” are supportive. Keep your contribution succinct, so that the focus stays on the other person.
Part II: Guiding a Mental Health Conversation
3. Keep a non-judgmental attitude.
At work, we are literally judged on our ability to compartmentalize, to achieve more than what’s expected of us, to “grind” and “hustle” against perpetual challenges without complaining. In social settings, we’re rewarded for “keeping it light”, “staying positive”, and “lighting up a room”.
So it makes sense that our mental health challenges cause fear or embarrassment. To mitigate this, use statements like “That makes sense, given (xyz)”, or “I get what you’re saying”, or “Wow, I didn’t think of it that way before, but you just helped me see it differently”. Help them connect the dots as to why there shouldn’t be judgment about what they’re feeling.
Most importantly, avoid Fix-it Mode.
In the simplest terms, Fix-it Mode is when you immediately respond to another person’s problem or emotion with an (unrequested) solution.
But don’t people want to fix their problems, you ask?
Sure, but in their own time. Not yours.
Fix-it Mode smothers the other person with “logic” and advice. It creates defensiveness, frustration, and alienation. It implies that you’re either uncomfortable with the person’s problems (implied judgment of avoidance); that the other person’s feelings aren’t as important as what you have to say (implied judgment of inferiority); that the person failed to solve their problem, so you’re doing it for them (implied judgment of incompetence).
While Fix-it Mode may have good intentions, good intentions won’t prevent the negative outcomes of this aggressive approach.
Let the other person be upset or frustrated:
Even if it doesn’t make sense to you.
Even if it’s removed from your own experience.
Even if it seems like a problem with an easy solution.
Make it okay to feel things,to name them, to validate them, and to keep feeling them until they’ve run their course.
If this one’s especially hard for you, asky yourself why.
Why do you default to problem-solving, rather than listening or allowing space? Are there cultural, personal, gender-based, or generational barriers that make Fix-it Mode your default approach? This was one of the more difficult ones for me to personally work on, but reaped real rewards in terms of becoming a better listener, relative, and friend.
4. Lead with (your brand of) empathy.
The term has been around for about a century, yet the meaning continues to evolve. Originally translated from the German Einfühlung, or “feeling-in”, empathy is understood on 3 levels: cognitive, emotional, and compassionate.
1. Cognitive empathy is cerebral. What about the other person’s background or experiences led them to feel this way? What it would be like if you were operating out of the same context? Why is this moment so significant for them, based on what you know about them (or what you’re learning)? This approach involves intellectual curiosity, creativity, and role-playing.
Cognitive empathy statements:
“With what you’ve told me about xyz, I can see why you would feel this way”
“I can only imagine what it must feel like to have the (history, background, past experience) you’ve had and be facing this”.
2. Emotional empathy means absorbing or mirroring the feelings of the other person. When they’re sad, you’re sad. When they’re fired up, you get fired up too. There’s emotional transference here, which requires the skill of absorbing emotion, then letting it go.
Emotional empathy statements:
“That makes me also feel (sad, angry, frustrated, disappointed)”
“That sounds really (stressful, irritating, exhausting, painful) to deal with”
“It hurts to see you going through this. I’m so sorry”
3. Compassionate empathy means balancing emotion, intellect, and action. You feel with the other person, you imagine what it’s like to experience their challenge, and you make a commitment to apply yourself to their issue.
Compassionate empathy is embodied in the 3 A’s of Customer Support at Apple:
1. Acknowledge (“That sounds stressful”),
2. Align (“I know this is important to you because…” or “What I’m hearing you say is…”)
3. Assure (“I’m going to check in with you next week about this, since you told me that quick check-ins help you feel more supported”).
Part III: Wrapping Up a Mental Health Conversation
5. Leverage resourcefulness.
Resourcefulness can transform defeat to mobilization. It’s important to note, however, that resourcefulness can get dangerously close to Fix-It Mode. After engaging in steps 1–4 (calmness, honestly, non-judgment, empathy), ask for permission before offering resourcefulness. Questions like “How can I help?” or, “I have some ideas. Should I share those now, or later?”
In a work scenario, resourcefulness includes: taking work off someone’s plate; joining resource groups to support the other person and/or their community; guiding the other person towards an HR person or your HR benefits information for mental health resources; casual repeat check-ins; etc.
In a personal scenario, resourcefulness can range from planning activities with someone to get them out of their head; agreeing to (attend a workshop, take a workout class, read a book) together; casual repeat check-ins, especially in the outdoors; etc.
In a coaching scenario, you can amplify the strengths of the other person, if you know them well enough. “Have you (written a poem, journaled, hiked like you normally do) in response to this event?” or “I’ve seen you handle this in the past with (strengths here). How do you see yourself applying those strengths to this situation?”
Remind them that while they are vulnerable in this moment, they are still resourceful, creative, and whole. Once they’re ready, they might be able to find the answers, or at least some next steps, by revisiting their history.
6. Provide reassurance.
Sometimes when things are a little tender, I’ll share how I’m feeling, but I’ll feel guilty about it, so I’ll immediately ask, “How about you? How are you doing?” I genuinely care about the answer, but I also want to distract the other person away from what I just shared.
The people who know me well, push back. “First,” they say, “I want to (acknowledge what you just said, thank you for sharing that), and I just want you to know that (it totally makes sense, you’re not crazy, how can I help).”
Sometimes, reassurance needs to be forced. Don’t let someone lock you out of comforting them. Use empathetic statements with or without the other person making space for it. Reassurance is key to validation; validation is key to processing; and processing is key to letting things go.
7. Inspire with encouragement.
Encouragement draws on a person’s strengths, reminding them of their power. Similar to coaching, encouragement is tailored to the person you’re talking to. Encouragement sounds like, “I’ve seen you face challenges like this before, and I’ve been amazed at how well you navigate them. I know it feels (hard, sad, impossible) right now, but the way you’ve dealt with these (situations, issues) before, reminds me that you have so much power for what’s next, even if you need time to process it all.”
Encouragement is based on hope for the future, but sometimes hope doesn’t always feel “right” . Some of my friends are impacted by ongoing issues of race, inequity, and general challenges that feel hopeless . For them, I lean more heavily on support than hope. I simply say, “Things are pretty broken right now. I’m upset about it with you and I can’t imagine what you’re going through. I’m here for whatever you need.” In those moments, encouragement is more of an open door, rather than a vague promise that things will get better.
Conclusion
What are your immediate thoughts after reading this? What parts of this resonated for you, and what parts do you want to invest in?
If you do hone these allyship skills, I promise you’ll use them over and over again. We’re entering a new era that requires more of us. Those with the strongest allyship skills will be the builders and healers we desperately need.
